All my life I have been told the phrase, "God will not give us more than we can handle or withstand" and I know that in my head that is true. However, honestly my heart and my emotions sometimes are not in agreement and cry out in protest that "this is too much" and wondering how I can go on. This past couple of weeks have been filled with such moments and I have had to do a lot of self-reflecting and prayer to get me through the days/weeks.
There are some days I am so fed up with Aspie quirks and nuances that I could honestly scream and just want to grab the girls, get in my car, and run away. Not to mention the emotional disconnect that I feel when my husband and son are deep within their Aspie world and the needs or wants of others are forgotten. Let me share a little glimpse . . . . .
This past Mother's Day was a total and complete flop as has now become the tradition in our household. Not only did my husband, the day before, get me a present that I did not want/need and just creates more work for me, but then told me that he forgot about dinner and proceeded to do nothing about it except want me to give him every, blasted detail on how to make something and me go shopping for all the ingredients that day as well. All I had asked for was that on that day (just one blessed day a year) that I would not have to cook or clean. In other words, I just wanted one day off. However, that is exactly what I got to do all day long, but by George, he got time to play/program his stupid video game and stare at his phone "looking up stuff." To say I was disappointed and irritated, is truly an understatement. I fantasized of taking both his laptop and his cell phone, placing them on the driveway and gleefully running them over repeatedly with my car as he watched in horror as his "stress relievers" and for me, the symbol of our emotional disconnect was ruined, demolished, never able to be repaired.
I was hurt and frankly, TICKED OFF! It hurt that I was given so little thought and planning on the day that was supposed to symbolize his appreciation for caring for our children/household and I didn't feel that I had asked for something outrageous. It also didn't help that his birthday was four days later and I had planned out presents, dinner, etc. for weeks. I just wanted some of the same consideration.
So that evening, I blew. I told him that I should treat him and give him the same consideration for Father's Day that he has given me consistently for Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, our anniversary, my birthday, and Christmas just so he can see how it feels and experience it and then maybe he would know how hurtful it was. And in true Aspie form, he was shocked and didn't understand my frustration. Needless to say, the "discussion" ended up with me going for a very long and cold walk with me venting, praying, crying, and thinking. The conclusion I came to that my expectations are obviously too high and that my "dream" of being romanticized or "whisked off my feet" with unexpected surprises is just not going to happen. Aspie's just can't do it. They are too literal and too emotionally distant. So I decided to let that dream go, and basically let my husband off the hook. When I got home I told him to please do not buy any more gifts or "plan" meals/desserts, etc. on these occasions. Instead, I just need him to be okay with spending money on things I wanted and would make an effort to either buy them on that "special" day or not use them until that day. That way I am not disappointed and he is not frustrated with me being disappointed.
You need to understand that Aspie's are such black and white thinkers that hints or suggestions do not work with them. They need it detailed out to the point of saying, "I want ____ and you can buy it at ____ and it costs this much money." My feeling is that if I have to be that detailed for a "present", it is honestly easier for me to just buy it myself. Plus I am such a bargain shopper, that I will buy it when I find a deal where as he waits until the day before or day of and pays full price. Makes me crazy!
Not to mention that amongst all this disconnect with my husband, our son's sleeping has been, in a word, AWEFUL! So he has been rude, mouthy, mean, and stimming like a crazy person because he is so tired he can't think straight. Which also means when my husband get home and is tired himself, the two of them go at each other and both are stimming and screaming at each other, while the girls and I try to maintain some type of normalcy and function in this craziness. Needless to say, I'm tapped and have had a lot of loooooong days and nights. As usual, it will eventually get better for a little while and then we will start again with new quirks and issues and begin the crazy cycle all over again. . . . . . And so is our life in our aspie world.