Sunday, May 18, 2014

God Will Not Give Us More Than We Can Handle

All my life I have been told the phrase, "God will not give us more than we can handle or withstand" and I know that in my head that is true.  However, honestly my heart and my emotions sometimes are not in agreement and cry out in protest that "this is too much" and wondering how I can go on.  This past couple of weeks have been filled with such moments and I have had to do a lot of self-reflecting and prayer to get me through the days/weeks.

There are some days I am so fed up with Aspie quirks and nuances that I could honestly scream and just want to grab the girls, get in my car, and run away.  Not to mention the emotional disconnect that I feel when my husband and son are deep within their Aspie world and the needs or wants of others are forgotten.  Let me share a little glimpse . . . . .

This past Mother's Day was a total and complete flop as has now become the tradition in our household.  Not only did my husband, the day before, get me a present that I did not want/need and just creates more work for me, but then told me that he forgot about dinner and proceeded to do nothing about it except want me to give him every, blasted detail on how to make something and me go shopping for all the ingredients that day as well.  All I had asked for was that on that day (just one blessed day a year) that I would not have to cook or clean.  In other words, I just wanted one day off.  However, that is exactly what I got to do all day long, but by George, he got time to play/program his stupid video game and stare at his phone "looking up stuff."  To say I was disappointed and irritated, is truly an understatement.  I fantasized of taking both his laptop and his cell phone, placing them on the driveway and gleefully running them over repeatedly with my car as he watched in horror as his "stress relievers" and for me, the symbol of our emotional disconnect was ruined, demolished, never able to be repaired.

I was hurt and frankly, TICKED OFF! It hurt that I was given so little thought and planning on the day that was supposed to symbolize his appreciation for caring for our children/household and I didn't feel that I had asked for something outrageous.  It also didn't help that his birthday was four days later and I had planned out presents, dinner, etc. for weeks.  I just wanted some of the same consideration. 

So that evening, I blew.  I told him that I should treat him and give him the same consideration for Father's Day that he has given me consistently for Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, our anniversary, my birthday, and Christmas just so he can see how it feels and experience it and then maybe he would know how hurtful it was.  And in true Aspie form, he was shocked and didn't understand my frustration.  Needless to say, the "discussion" ended up with me going for a very long and cold walk with me venting, praying, crying, and thinking.  The conclusion I came to that my expectations are obviously too high and that my "dream" of being romanticized or "whisked off my feet" with unexpected surprises is just not going to happen. Aspie's just can't do it.  They are too literal and too emotionally distant.  So I decided to let that dream go, and basically let my husband off the hook.  When I got home I told him to please do not buy any more gifts or "plan" meals/desserts, etc. on these occasions.  Instead, I just need him to be okay with spending money on things I wanted and would make an effort to either buy them on that "special" day or not use them until that day.  That way I am not disappointed and he is not frustrated with me being disappointed. 

You need to understand that Aspie's are such black and white thinkers that hints or suggestions do not work with them.  They need it detailed out to the point of saying, "I want ____ and you can buy it at ____ and it costs this much money."  My feeling is that if I have to be that detailed for a "present", it is honestly easier for me to just buy it myself.  Plus I am such a bargain shopper, that I will buy it when I find a deal where as he waits until the day before or day of and pays full price.  Makes me crazy!

Not to mention that amongst all this disconnect with my husband, our son's sleeping has been, in a word, AWEFUL!  So he has been rude, mouthy, mean, and stimming like a crazy person because he is so tired he can't think straight.  Which also means when my husband get home and is tired himself, the two of them go at each other and both are stimming and screaming at each other, while the girls and I try to maintain some type of normalcy and function in this craziness.  Needless to say, I'm tapped and have had a lot of loooooong days and nights.  As usual, it will eventually get better for a little while and then we will start again with new quirks and issues and begin the crazy cycle all over again.   . . . . . And so is our life in our aspie world.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Short Post, But Happy One

This post will be short and sweet since we have a doctor's appointment early this morning for a med check and it is a half hour drive.  However, just wanted to say that we got notice that someone with some common sense reviewed our son's case and our insurance has decided to approve coverage for his medication.  YEAH!!!  But the insurance company and I, we still aren't friends.  ;)

Sunday, May 4, 2014

A Tough Aspie Week

While the beginning of the week went fairly smoothly, we sure did end it on a bang!  Both of my Aspies got sick, and I mean really nasty stomach bug sick.  Also the NT girls did as well.  Amazingly, I so far seem to have escaped it all which I have no idea how considering the amount of vomit I have been exposed to and cleaning up.  Consequently, that means that for the Aspie's everything is off.  Their schedules, their bodies, EVERYTHING and that means the rest of us pay for it in various ways.

With my husband, that means he is just plain grouchy and not very fun to be around.  He also walks around with what I like to call "an old man shuffle" with his head hung down and his shoulders hunched.  He also has "checked out" a lot with the family, which means I'm pretty much left on my own to keep the house running.

With our son when this type of thing happens, he stims like you would not believe and his sleeping is A.W.F.U.L!!!!!!  For example, today he was up at 6:45 am, took only a 1 hour nap, and as I am typing this (at 10:30 at night) he is still in his room wide awake counting who knows what.  And yes, we did give him Melatonin, put lavender oil on him and his pillow, did our nightly routine, and my husband sat in with him for over a half hour reading to him.  I even took him for a run, hoping that would help him relieve some of his anxiety.  (He even said near the end of it that he was totally worn out.)  It is going to be a long night and tomorrow morning is going to stink if he does not sleep in meaning past 7:30 am, which happens MAYBE once every three months.  Sleep is so vital for him to function.

So that is my life in a nutshell right now.  Honestly, I am ready for a spa day.